Who Killed Little Orphan Andy?

Click To Play

Big Ernie Rides Again

Click To Play

I Got Tagged

Tagged by that darn Cybez to list 8 little known ficts about myself. I'm sure I've seen something like this before but not in this blog.

Inspiration! I need inspiration....let's see.

The first eight books on the first eight shelves of my bookcase.

Mmm. These books are so eclectic and awesome that you probably won't believe that I picked them in the manner described. It does help that I recently completed a charity clean out of the ones with pink covers.

1. America and it's People. Volume 1 To 1877. Clint and Bert and I visited America a few years back. We stayed in motels and, except for one night, all shared a room. It was Grim. I've never forgiven Clint for having two pillows every single night while Bert and I had one each. Why didn't I steal the pillows out of one of the motels? Far too honest for my own good is what I am.

2. PowerShot A40: Camera User Guide. In all the time I used my old camera I barely opened this guide. I detest instruction books and guides. But I'll keep it just in case Hannah, current owner of my ex-camera, should ever want it.

3. The Colour: Rose Tremain. Still unread. I note it is partly set in Norfolk which is where my darling Katy lives.

4. Made in America: Bill Bryson. The first Bryson book I ever read. I am one degree removed from Bill Bryson.

5. The Norsemen: H.A. Guerber. This book was given to me by a man called Joseph who was a resident in one of the hostels I worked in. Joseph was an eccentric man who dressed in quasi-biblical garb and carried a staff and an acoustic guitar at all times. As befit his biblical appearance he was, on at least one occasion, stoned by some of the brave youth of Dunclug. His guitar was damaged. He, luckily, was not.

6. Dance With A Poor Man's Daughter: Pamela Jooste. This book's setting is South Africa during the time of apartheid. I visited South Africa a few years after its abolition and witnessed black Africans queuing up to cast their votes in the second election and I listened to the bile that poured out of the mouths of many of the white South Africans. We were never made more welcome anywhere than among the black people in Keiskammahoek and I spent one very scary night in a broken down jeep convinced I'd meet my end torn limb from limb by baboons.

7. Anglo-Saxon Attitudes: Angus Wilson. I think I might have read everything Angus Wilson ever wrote. I remember absolutely nothing about any of them but I think I enjoyed them. A treat for my (really) old age will be re-reading everything again.

8. Northern Ireland: The Background to the Conflict, edited by John Darby: John Darby taught me at Coleraine. On my first day at uni I wept on the way from the train to the college. I was about 38 and I'd never thought I'd go to university. I was wrong.

The Concise Version

• I am too pussy to steal.
• I harbour grudges about trivialities.
• I'm a hoarder.
• I have met someone who has met Bill Bryson.
• I used to work with homeless people.
• I love the smell of South Africa.
• I forget what I've read.
• I'm a late developer.

I Feel Stupid Mum

Click To Play

Hannah leaves for Thailand today. We did this yesterday evening. No cats were hurt during the making of this film. Some cats were slabbered on.

Bonnie & Nelly Go Owl-Spotting

Click To Play

Party Time (The Self-Conscious)

Click To Play

The Barbecue (Kids and Dogs)

The Treasure Hunt

Click To Play

When Harry de Cat Met Rosie

Click To Play

You know that editing software I was wondering about on my other blog? Well it was there on the computer all along. Duh!

So I was able to dig out these ancient camera clips from a few years ago and put them together.

It shows Harry de Kitten *sob* when he first arrived, his first encounters with the dogs and how his confidence rapidly increased over those first weeks and months.

Warning! Cover Your Ears.

Click To Play

What I have to put up with of an evening.

It was a blessing that the camera batteries gave up on me.

The Feeding Of Goslings

center>

Click To Play

Big Ernie Will Not Be Consoled

When Turkeys Attack

A Walk In The Woods

A Useful Gadget

One night many years ago the Wee M@nny called us up and said,

You’ll have to come up and see this great gadget we’ve got. It’s a massager. It massages away all your aches and pains. I got it of some woman who came to the door.

So we went up the next Friday and the massager wasn’t mentioned. Then B€rt said,

So what about this great gadget you were telling us about?

Mrs The Wee M@nny says,

Huh! That was a great waste of money for sure. Do you know how much that stupid thing cost us? £29.99! He was drunk you know.

The Wee M@nny says,

Not atall! That’s a great wee item.

She says,

She could see you were full. And she was determined we were going to buy it. She had no intention of leaving this house until you’d handed her the money!

You’re talking rubbish. It’s a great wee machine. Takes away all your aches and pains and you could use it for sex as well.

I hardly think so.

We say,

Oh get it out ‘til we see it.

So the Wee M@nny produces this box and brings out this big rounded lump of smooth metal . He switches it on to vibrate and hands it to me. It’s as heavy as hell. It would give you aches and pains just to lift it. It’s hard to know what possible use it could be to anyone.

Mrs The Wee M@nny goes on,

So if you think it’s so great how come you phoned her up the next day to try to get your money back?

And I say,

And did she say no?

And he says,

She did. Oul bitch. I only bought it to get her out of the house. D’ye want to buy it of us?

And we say,

No!

So That's What Happened To Pete Doherty's Head

Cheapest isn’t always best. Holly de Cat doesn’t think so. She isn’t enamoured of the bargain price cat litter that Bert bought. She keeps looking for alternative mediums in which to perform her duties. And while there is absolutely nothing wrong with Lidls produce perhaps their packaging isn’t quite as good as Sainsburys et al.

So I should have been careful when I opened that pack of Basmati rice. And when the package ripped and the rice spilled everywhere I shouldn’t have left the remains of it in that saucepan on the counter.

And if Holly de Cat had her favoured hard, gritty litter she wouldn’t have been seeking out alternatives. And she wouldn’t have pissed in that saucepanful of rice.

And then we wouldn’t have had this conversation.

Bert: D’ye mind the time we thought Harry de Cat pissed in that bag of grass leavings?

Nelly: Do you think he really did?

Bert: There was an ould mouldy, muchty smell of it. I thought it was just the damp had got at it and went on ahead and made the green butter anyway. I’m convinced that’s why Billy’s head swoll up. He was poisoned with cat piss.

Hannah: But didn’t Billy eat about four ounces of it in one go? He was likely that stoned he just thought his head had swollen.

Bert: We’ll never really know…

The Purpose of this Blog Is....

a forum for the telling of tales which may, or may not, be lies.

The Legend Begins....

Hi...