Warning! Cover Your Ears.

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What I have to put up with of an evening.

It was a blessing that the camera batteries gave up on me.

The Feeding Of Goslings

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Big Ernie Will Not Be Consoled

When Turkeys Attack

A Walk In The Woods

A Useful Gadget

One night many years ago the Wee M@nny called us up and said,

You’ll have to come up and see this great gadget we’ve got. It’s a massager. It massages away all your aches and pains. I got it of some woman who came to the door.

So we went up the next Friday and the massager wasn’t mentioned. Then B€rt said,

So what about this great gadget you were telling us about?

Mrs The Wee M@nny says,

Huh! That was a great waste of money for sure. Do you know how much that stupid thing cost us? £29.99! He was drunk you know.

The Wee M@nny says,

Not atall! That’s a great wee item.

She says,

She could see you were full. And she was determined we were going to buy it. She had no intention of leaving this house until you’d handed her the money!

You’re talking rubbish. It’s a great wee machine. Takes away all your aches and pains and you could use it for sex as well.

I hardly think so.

We say,

Oh get it out ‘til we see it.

So the Wee M@nny produces this box and brings out this big rounded lump of smooth metal . He switches it on to vibrate and hands it to me. It’s as heavy as hell. It would give you aches and pains just to lift it. It’s hard to know what possible use it could be to anyone.

Mrs The Wee M@nny goes on,

So if you think it’s so great how come you phoned her up the next day to try to get your money back?

And I say,

And did she say no?

And he says,

She did. Oul bitch. I only bought it to get her out of the house. D’ye want to buy it of us?

And we say,

No!

So That's What Happened To Pete Doherty's Head

Cheapest isn’t always best. Holly de Cat doesn’t think so. She isn’t enamoured of the bargain price cat litter that Bert bought. She keeps looking for alternative mediums in which to perform her duties. And while there is absolutely nothing wrong with Lidls produce perhaps their packaging isn’t quite as good as Sainsburys et al.

So I should have been careful when I opened that pack of Basmati rice. And when the package ripped and the rice spilled everywhere I shouldn’t have left the remains of it in that saucepan on the counter.

And if Holly de Cat had her favoured hard, gritty litter she wouldn’t have been seeking out alternatives. And she wouldn’t have pissed in that saucepanful of rice.

And then we wouldn’t have had this conversation.

Bert: D’ye mind the time we thought Harry de Cat pissed in that bag of grass leavings?

Nelly: Do you think he really did?

Bert: There was an ould mouldy, muchty smell of it. I thought it was just the damp had got at it and went on ahead and made the green butter anyway. I’m convinced that’s why Billy’s head swoll up. He was poisoned with cat piss.

Hannah: But didn’t Billy eat about four ounces of it in one go? He was likely that stoned he just thought his head had swollen.

Bert: We’ll never really know…